The definition of stupidity - Doing the same thing again and again, and expecting different results.
Another, Dallas definition of stupidity - Trying to live up to an unrealistic ideal. Following someone else's path, instead of your own. Thinking of yourself as less of a person if you don't accomplish the same things as another. Ok, maybe that's more of a lack of self-esteem than stupidity, but go with me here.
I'm always trying to live up to someone else's path. My mother seemed to be able to do it all. She was (and still is) THE Susie Homemaker. Stay at home mom extraordinaire, baked everything from scratch, volunteered for everything, made toys, clothes, etc, from scratch. Creative as all get out. I've been trying to live up to that ideal, and constantly finding myself falling short.
My good friend and neighbour is working on child #4. Body snaps back like nothin. Home schools the older two children. Knits. Has a business on the side. I thought briefly about living up to that, but...I just don't think I'm cut out for it.
The list goes on of people I compare myself to, and find myself utterly lacking. They seem to be able to do it all (with a clean house I might add), and I sit here in my mess, falling further from MY path, and unhappy.
Even when it came to college, I usually ended up living up to someone else's path. I did my OWN thing for a couple years, but ended up twice doing what someone else suggested I do. I steered away from MY path to do what someone else thought I should do.
Well, guess what dummy? Maybe that's NOT what you're meant to do. We are all put here for a different purpose. Like I keep telling my children. That kid IS really good at (insert skill here). But you know what? You're really good at (insert other, just as valuable, skill here).
My problem is that I've been focusing for so long on what I CAN'T do, that I kind of forget what I CAN do! So, for the moment, I'm stuck in the gale force winds, in the chaos, with no direction in sight. But you know what? Those winds will calm down. And when they do, I will go in the direction I'm meant to, in my rickety little row boat, forging MY path, not someone else's.
Dallas
Sometimes, you just have to think about yourself. I find it tough to do with just one child, so I can't imagine how hard it must be for you to think of your own needs/wants first over 3 children...it's always been your nature to think of others first. I suffer from the same.
ReplyDeleteYou've always been good at lots of stuff...you always had the most conviction of all of us growing up. I always knew that you would do something important with your life...and you did. You made a home for yourself, your husband, and your beautiful little boys. It may not be the cleanest home (I can relate), and you may step on cheerios every morning, and have your socks stick to the kitchen floor, and you may wonder what that mystery stain in the carpet is...but I can bet that home is full of love. Your boys will grow up knowing they are loved, and I know you will do everything you can to make sure that they have everything they need, and lots that they want.
You're one of the best people I know...you feel you've been trying to live up to what others are doing...well, I have a confession. You've always been my role model as the kind of mother I wanted to be. Put that in your pipe and smoke it...lol.
Love you hun.
Ah, the comparison trap -- never win with that one. Always come up lacking somehow. I will say, though, that your mother only had one boy (!). And what your family (cousins) has always loved about you is your laid-back, take-it-all-in-stride-and-with-a-good-dose-of-humour attitude. You've always come across as unapologetically, authentically and integrally Dallas (despite all the insecurities raging within) and that is a neverending source of inspiration. So just keep being you.
ReplyDeleteNo words guys. Thank you for the vote of confidence. I need to work on feeling it myself! lol. Love you both.
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